M O O D
Category: Writing
Summer Stings + Things
Julie B!! Oh I was so fond of the time I spent at summer camp with this dear one who just the other day had no idea I was going to post a bunch of old pix in honor of my bday month and sent this to me out of the blue!
I lied about my age to become a CIT at Golden Slipper Camp a year earlier than I was able to legally obtain a work permit. oops
Grateful that I did because those were some of the best times of my life. Even though I was a weirdo emo art kid trying my best to hide my desperate childhood poverty and parental abuse from everyone, there were these kinds of moments with amazing humans that I got to call my friends.
This was the same summer that I was stung by a bee at 2am while painting the bunk plaque for the end of the first encampment. Bunk J I believe. Despite the rumors that bees prefer daytime, this night bee flew into Julie’s long, thick mane and she jumped around the cabin trying to shake it out of her hair. It finally got free and then we went back to painting.
A few minutes later it came out of nowhere and stung me on the knuckle of my right ring finger. I had no idea I was allergic at the time but I wasn’t feeling well right away. Our other co-counselor Denise said I was probably allergic like her. She said she just takes Benadryl and it solves the problem. I took some, but a couple minutes later I still felt really weird.
I went into the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, the impetigo on my chin that I got a week earlier from a mosquito bite was oozing and my face was rapidly swelling. Denise and Julie agreed I should go to infirmary so I hiked over there.
Nurse said the same, probably just an allergy, take some Benadryl and sleep there for the night. I got into bed and after a couple of minutes my armpits hurt. Huh? I went to the bathroom to take a look and I was covered in hives, the teeny baby armpit hairs growing in now felt like daggers in my skin.
Back to the nurse, “um, I really don’t feel well.” This time she looked at me and immediately called the head counselor to take me to the hospital. Since we were in the middle of the woods, the hospital was about 45 minutes away. By the time we arrived I was unconscious and had gone into anaphylactic shock.
The next thing I knew, I shot up from the hospital bed, instinctively diving to rip an IV of steroids and whatever life juice they were filling me with, out of my hand. The doctor and nurse restrained me before I could succeed and calmed me down. I remember at one point seeing my heart rate monitor at 14 BPM.
After they stabilized me, they left the room for me to recover, or to go get the heart attack patient that had just come in. They came rushing in with him on a gurney and drew the curtain between us while they pumped him back to life. The curtain was not the full width of the room so I could still see almost everything going on, but didn’t have enough strength to interpret my surroundings. This was a one or two room hospital in the middle of the mountains so there weren’t alot of resources. Apparently the middle of the night is when it’s hoppin’ around there.
He kept moaning, “Oh the pain!” I looked over and saw his heart rate monitor, 148. I remember lying there thinking, if I only we could combine our heart rates we would both be normal. Bee Daze Math.
Most of the days I spent at camp and with Julie were not life threatening, but this was the day I found out I was allergic to bees. Well, maybe not the day in this picture. I wore that 70s knit sweater t-shirt any chance I could. I wish I still had that little gem. It was cropped too, back in style..because that’s how old I…I mean that’s how old that picture is now, printed on unpredictable film with a weird saturated smudge and everything.
SO overdue for a camp reunion!
ps if you want to add a little pop, bling, or zing to your photos HMU. I love making digital art for people!
Dawn of Time: Part I
Dawn was exploring Santa Fe, New Mexico. She had stepped into La Reina after hearing that the owner was originally from Austin, like she. The vibe was perfect: minimalist, modern design with an adobe flair, and a superbly sweet and delightful bartender.
She was contemplating existence, as a weary traveler can be known to do. There had always been a pending sense of alienation within her, even though she could pass through towns and crowds and instantly engage with her ENTJ personality leading the charge. She had thousands of friends and acquaintances from all over the globe, meeting people was genuinely natural for this lone wolf. Her own exuberance could exhaust her though, and cause need for a recharge. At times a bath and some candles could do the trick, but usually it was solved by something larger – through the exploration of the great wide globe, hours long urban hikes, people gazing, shoe gazing, exotic cuisine, and being intimately lost in a foreign language. Long train rides alone with her thoughts for days at a time were soup for the soul, as were cave explorations with wild monkeys, and moped rides on the wrong side of the road. This is how the troubles of her world could always be solved.
The call to New Mexico wasn’t much different. Exploring, out of any comfort zone, was where she found true comfort. Not getting bogged down by the daily grind, not getting caught in the cyclical insanity of bills and obligations, not being a cog in the machine. Not knowing is what she always knew best. As she sipped her very first Mezcal and listened to the Music Brokers playlist that the bartender had discovered in Mexico and was playing for her guests this evening, Dawn kept subtly remembering the truth. The truth that had been hidden since the so called Dawn of Time. It’s the kind of truth that runs in your veins, a deep knowing that can not been denied. While she couldn’t describe it with certainty, she was, in fact, waking up.
It felt asinine to say out loud, the stuff of conspiracy theories. Luckily, others were waking up too. Soon our origins would be clear, unbeknownst to her. Dawn had often used this banter comedically, long before she understood where her jokes were coming from. Like when Conan O’Brien was on Late Night, Dawn would joke about how he was an alien but it was confusing because he was a good alien unlike most that were bad, such as many US Presidents and big time CEOs. Clearly most governments and corporations have been run by aliens for eons, which made it all the more strange that Conan wasn’t evil at all. “Just look at him! He is way too tall and pale to be a real earthling,” she would joke at the party while everyone laughed along and said things like, “oh definitely,” and ” I can totally see that!” There was just something in his eyes – he was an alien, but he was the same type of alien as she. It was one of the first times it made sense that she truly was an alien, because she too was not evil. She was a good alien. She was, after all, an origin alien.
To Be Continued…
B R O O D
In those moments
of quiet and
self reflection
are you listening?
TRULY
listening
to the deep,
to the howls
of your soul.
Can you hear her
telling you your dreams
your desires
in earnest?
or are you running
a to do list?
the shoulds,
the busy busy,
the guilt?
For what?
Unleash the brainwash
remember your yearning
before its too late
and you are the metric
we always hear about…
no one ever
laid on their deathbed
and said
I wish I worked harder.
Carpe Diem
Every Damn Day
Bar Exchange
I bought Gourmands from Tuff Tiff and was planning to move into a room in the back, a converted storage area that was shotgun style and black. There were long shelves all along the sides but I was excited to remodel it. Then I would fill the Kay street house with tenants but John – who was merged with Andrew – was upset. He eventually agreed but only if we got less roommates. The bartenders were slacking off and it was pure pandemonium. Things had slipped for a while and they didn’t know it had been purchased. It was a total free for all but I knew all the bartenders and they were excited that I was going to be helping out.
Tony had 2 white widows growing out of his back that turned into trees. They were pretty (!) but had to be removed. Mary knew the complicated terms to identify them and how they were different. It was fascinating.
There was a contest/meeting for financials. It was a 30 day challenge like whole30 but with money. Tony did really well and everyone had to give a speech. I missed his speech (and everyone loved it a lot!) because I was gagging in the other room. I had been drinking a can of coke and I poured it into a glass. It was full of flies but I had already drank half of it before I realized and it made me puke. When I went back into the awards ceremony, Tony had just finished his speech and another participant gave a gift to the coordinator, which was a large set of gorgeous antique silverware. The guy was so impressed that he gave Tony a set as well. Then he asked if anyone else wanted to buy a set for $700 and everyone did because it was an incredible deal.
Sueño
At a moment’s notice, I was going to what appeared to be Spain with a friend and her family. It felt more like South America but geographically it was in Europe.
The first night I was super tired so I went to sleep early. The next day it took a while to find each other but I found her at a bar restaurant and we had a drink. I felt like I needed a shower and said I’d meet her later. We had to catch a bus to another town too. After the shower, I decided to go on the bus ride early and meet them in the next town in a few hours because I didn’t want to go back to the bar.
The bus was loud and crowded. It was a 3+ hour ride. After 2 hours I was restless and regretting not taking the bus ride with them. What was I going to do while I waited? Just then we were coming upon a small town which I had heard of, and I decided I would get out and explore. Then I could get back on the next bus to the final destination and our timing would be aligned. All the while I had been texting her about what I was up to so we could meet in the evening.
The town was tiny. When I first got off the bus, I noticed a building where all the commuters were coming from and assumed it was the station. I had immediately gone over to inquire about the next bus towards Madrid but at the moment I crossed the street they closed the large iron gate and it was revealed that it was more of a church. I noted the streets and location to return for the next departure and presumed it was more of a bus stop than a station since it was such a tiny town.
Coincidentally, though we appear to be in Spain, this Madrid seemed more like the Madrid in the corridor between Albuquerque and Santa Fe, New Mexico. We were in the boonies. This was a landmark, not a destination. Further, our intention was to go to an even tinier town near this parallel Madrid.
I headed towards a cafe for an espresso. When I arrived, a beautiful wolf pup of about 6 months old befriended me. She listened well and wouldn’t leave my side. After she made it clear that she was adopting me, we walked the streets together.
I ran into 3 acquaintances, who happened to be children. I explained that it was time for me to get started towards Madrid to meet my friends. I told them I had only learned Spanish for 1 week and asked for help translating to find the bus as the stop where I arrived didn’t seem to be active any longer. We found a restaurant and went inside but there wasn’t anyone around so we wandered the halls until we ended up passing through a very busy kitchen. No one seemed to mind this. We came out the other side to a tiny bar.
The 2 older girl children were chatting and doing their own thing, but the younger boy stayed with me (and my new wolf / dog Venus Vega). I was stumbling all over my words trying to speak Spanish. It came out blended where some words were Portuguese or French. Before I even began fumbling over the language, it was clear that the waitresses had zero interest in helping me. They were already grumpy and it was cramped and I was just in the way. At this point it was getting late and I was feeling desperate. I knew the busses would be stopping for the night and I would miss my friend and her family for the second night in a row. This was definitely not what I wanted.
The young boy spoke fluent Spanish but he stayed mute after stating, “I don’t want to deal with them.” I couldn’t understand this. He saw me struggling to deal with them and getting nowhere yet he stood there not helping. Why was he even staying?? He suddenly seemed very juvenile but instead of stomping his feet and throwing a tantrum he was simply being a plain old jerk. At this moment I also realized that none of my texts had gone through to my friend, rendering me AWOL. I could only imagine what she and her family were thinking.
A woman sitting nearby started making small talk with me. She was from France and was sad that I didn’t speak French. I tried to explain how important it was for me to remember what little Spanish I knew during this stressful moment. We both wanted to understand each other but couldn’t.
Finally, suddenly, out of thin air, the words came rushing to the forefront of my mind and I exclaimed, “Necessito ir a l’autobus a Madrid!” The entire staff looked at me in disbelief. How did she know these words? Time stood absolutely still. I waited for someone to tell me the answer.
Nap Tri
My nap was amazing! I feel rested but I dreamt that I was running a triathlon while I was sleeping, except I had to finish the last mile in 2 laps, but I stopped to do a craft show first and had put on jeans. When the time came to run the last mile in 2 laps, I didn’t feel like changing my clothes and doing it anymore! I woke up before I could see if I actually finished or not!
Rape Song
Time Warp Conditions
Pete was in the corner eating all of my Nutella.
3 of us laying in corner to regroup but the crowd came in.
They strangely crowded the tiny stage even though the large hall was vacant.
Went to the same place in NYC where the GPS always freaks out, probably because of the time warp, the altitude too high, the snow, the train coming, too many people. I’ve been there before so I knew when I started walking a certain direction that it would lead to empty dark confusing woods and it’s really hard to get out so I stopped, turned around, and thought about how I could get help. When I turned around there was a little boy too close and out of control with his actions and he spun into something on my hip that made a smacking sound against something on him. Metal? He started to cry and I asked if he was ok but they were very absorbed with themselves and didn’t hear me.
Manifestation Harvesting
I was practicing my manifestation skills by looking in a magazine and making the items appear almost immediately. I didn’t do it on purpose at first. I saw a beautiful jacket and I thought “I want that. I wish I could see it in person so I could decide if I want to buy it”. Then I looked up and a woman walking by was wearing it even though it was a super rare and unique item. I knew immediately my manifesting skills were getting stronger so I decided to practice then and there. I flipped through the pages and would see an item I like and look up and sure enough someone walked by with it, the exact colors and everything. I kept getting faster until the finale was a super unique organic shirt that was short and flowy with a back that opened towards the bottom, brown with a bone white border and it appeared floating on a hanger right next to me. I felt like I just won a race. Now there was no question that I was indeed manifesting these things and I knew I could manifest anything if I merely decided and believed.
Gigmare #87
I was programming a huge intelligent rig from a blind spot and the console that I was given was made out of wood and didn’t have any faders or encoders. There was literally an arc sawed off where the faders used to be. Talk about a challenge!
6.28.16
I was living with Ricky. I moved but then we met the owner and it was available again (or still). Ricky said the rent was $1800 but he could get the landlord to pay us that amount since he hadn’t rented it yet, so we’d break even. He wanted to keep the money himself and kept assuring me that I would get free groceries instead. It was in New York, and my new place was on the outskirts of the city. I loved the location and was excited. The hotel part – huge steps I was running up and down. Getting Cider, bartenders were really nice. I left $7 on the counter that disappeared. It seemed like a customer picked it up. I had to run up and down the giant steps to go get more money to replace it. I also ordered a small personal pizza, but when I came back from getting the money the bartender was struggling to figure out how to put the pizza into a sandwich. The 2 bartenders and I all thought the men description was just for a pizza but he explained that the description was outdated and this was the new menu item. Everyone was pretty confused and we just watched as he struggled to make the pizza sandwich.
Party Time
Carl and Macy were planning to move in with me. It was a week before moving day and Macy came over and said “I mean, we aren’t formally committed right? This just isn’t going to work”. There was a party next door the night before and there was one cigarette butt in a trash can that had gotten water in it from the rain. I knew those parties would be happen more than once a month, it was always said to be once a month, and that one was a little rowdier than usual because there was a biker gang in town and they brought a pool hall/bowling alley with them. I was going to play one round of something, but my partner didn’t show up. Then a group of 8 elderly people came by and tried to take over before my friend arrived. I went to the biker gang, that we were supposed to play against to tell them that my partner was missing and they offered to pair me up with one of their people even though we wouldn’t technically be against each other anymore. They were really nice, just had brutal appearances, and we ended up having a blast. I stayed up way later than expected and had a bit of a hangover by the time Carl and Macy arrived. The pool hall/bowling alley and everyone was gone and it was back to be a normal apartment complex but since we hadn’t seen each other in so long, Macy just assumed I partied all the time and would not consider it, even though it had been 3 weeks since they agreed and Carl still wanted to. I knew it was probably for the best and that I could get another roommate easily since the location was so good.
Shapeshifter
I met a bird that could talk. She was an ancient soul.
When I asked how she spoke English she said I was actually understanding her language.
She could also shiftshape.
I walked my dog home – he kept crying and told me he was floating out in the middle of the universe. He was lost floating in space, even though his body was here with me.
The paint on the walls looked solid in dim light, but messy camo in bright light.
It think when the bird crosses into my realm, it spins the dog out and that’s why he was floating in the universe.
I Had to hold him in my lap with my arms wrapped all around him to keep him still in the universe.
He was a combo of Mars and Jupiter, but bigger.
2.12.17
I adopted a kid. I went through an adoption agency and hadn’t even met him in person. They gave me 10 days before he arrived to decide if I was sure, but the ten days went by in a flash and the night before they were due to come over I realized it was probably too late to change my mind. My heart was racing with stress, because I realized I was unfit for the task. I wanted to help a child in need, but I knew my schedule was so all over the place that I wouldn’t even be able to get him to school on time most days. And what if I needed to go out of town for an extended period? I sat on the brink, riddled with fear, waiting to meet my teenage son.
Biz Trip
I went on another business trip and plumb forgot my suitcase. I didn’t realize until I was deboarding the plane and remembered that I had not ever placed my suitcase overhead. My BFF was changing planes there and she was perplexed and acted strange and judgy to me about it as she was liked right by to her next destination. I had to divide the clothes on my back into 4 outfits to make it through my next two back to back training seminars.
When I checked into the hotel, bagless, I realized that not only did I forget my suitcase, but it was left in the last hotel, at least 4 days prior and the chances of recovery were lost. I started counting the items in the suitcase and cost that was adding up was getting extremely high and difficult to replace all at once.
I went to take a shower to reset but there were 3 women who were bullying in there. I tried to get out quickly.
Cliff Diving
I was inspired by you when
you said you were spiritual
I admire that in you
I can taste the residual
I haven’t been able to
hold onto that trait
since my brother died
12 years later and I missed my pagan dreaming
Flirting with spirits and concepts of destiny
Metaphysics, Superstrings, Manifestation
A big breathing heart no fears or damnation
You seemed so brave just owning it outright
No hangups or burdens just perceived love and light
In this knowing you embodied comfort and peace
Calm and tender, a sweet masterpiece
You were doting on me so much I was crushing
Went on a limb with a text that ended up pushing you
Over some ledge, my intentions misread
Intentions of connection, of minds intertwined
Like our bodies in bed, yours overlapping mine
And like that you were gone as I fell from the cliff
From smitten kitten to unanchored, adrift
A violent wave, an outcry of pain
Renewing a past I can’t relive again
My attempts at peace discarded and shamed
You seem to have already forgotten my name
Little you know of my empathic soul
How I’d howl with you until you were comfortable
But you hide in your den and abandon me cold
Until I have no choice but letting you go
Hidden Indigo
My eyes will tell you that I’m indigo
but you’ll never know
because the Kino Flo
will make it so
it doesn’t show
that my teeth are crooked
8.7.16
I kind-of had a boyfriend but I wasn’t totally sure if it was committed. I was being pretty flaky about the whole thing, not insecure, just still feeling single as I had been for so long.
I ran into another guy that I was meeting for some casual business purposes. He was walking with 2 brown girls. The girls didn’t pay me much mind at first. I was a rare white girl in this ethnic neighborhood so they were just feeling me out. As a humanist and civil rights activist I understood the need for this assessment and took no offense. I made light talk to show I was not a threat nor had any malicious intentions towards them. I was being myself, cracking some jokes and finding common ground, so they soon accepted me and started laughing and loosening up. I was grateful to get to know them more; everyone was pretty funny.
I then moved onto some other location. At some point I was hanging out with another guy and we had chemistry but I wasn’t sure about it so I left like I was going to the bathroom but never came back. I think I meant to come back, maybe, but, again, just following my compass.
Now a third man. This time we really hit off on a deep level. We were having a wonderful time talking about everything under the sun and then we started fooling around. It caught me off guard. We were falling deeply in love. I found out he was much older than he looked. He was worried about that but I thought he was beautiful and we were the same age mentally and maturely. He was financially stable, he was reasonable, sweet, funny. He just seemed perfect. He felt like *my guy*. In the midst of our tender moment I realized that I was already in a sort-of relationship, and that I had kissed someone else entirely earlier and walked out on him. I suppose I disappeared on both men earlier. I became distraught, thoroughly confused. I ran out, my heart torn in a million pieces, unable to identify the difference between true love and obligation.
8.29.16
Krissy told me she was in town briefly – which town I’m not sure, but I was there too. I met up with her at a diner with a guy named “Ohio”, who was also from Vermont. I met him when I was originally there, and remembered him fondly, but I couldn’t remember his name until she reminded me.
She was distracted, so at first it was hard to catch up – she kept changing topics. But soon it was almost 3 o’clock and she had an appointment so I drove with her through the windy region that was swathed in red dirt dunes. It was a gorgeous drive, like Utah a bit but the landscape was not tall. Perhaps it was more like Mars. We got to the spot where she was going to performing her act – “falling into trash”. I didn’t know what that meant exactly but they were dropping heaps of trash from a helicopter and she was laughing and twirling as it fell around her. She told me she was ready to close the chapter of the past 2 years. Even though she was happy, she was exhausted. She didn’t say what was next.
My flight was coming up so we had to part ways. I went on my way and “woke up” from the “dream” about seeing Krissy to go do my travels of the day. During this supposed awakened state I found a brochure for a small environmental group that was trying to re-route trash from the landfill. When you opened it, accordion style, there were about a dozen silhouettes of people decorated with shapes that were objects and costumes made from recycled garbage. I glanced through until I recognized her silhouette. I didn’t realize she had been doing this for a cause since it was related to her circus routine. I thought it was just a general performance piece at the time. I never saw the video that they recorded that day, but it was cool to see this promo brochure and I was proud of her for helping with an important cause. I was also amazed because I thought I had dreamt the meeting with Krissy and was now awake with this brochure, which meant that I found out about all this in a dream state and it was actually true. So when I woke up for the second time, but the first real time, I was surprised to discover that I had been asleep the whole time. Ha. Well it was good to see you, Krissy.
utopiadreamscape.com 