8.7.16

by Amy D Lux

I kind-of had a boyfriend but I wasn’t totally sure if it was committed. I was being pretty flaky about the whole thing, not insecure, just still feeling single as I had been for so long.

I ran into another guy that I was meeting for some casual business purposes. He was walking with 2 brown girls. The girls didn’t pay me much mind at first. I was a rare white girl in this ethnic neighborhood so they were just feeling me out. As a humanist and civil rights activist I understood the need for this assessment and took no offense. I made light talk to show I was not a threat nor had any malicious intentions towards them. I was being myself, cracking some jokes and finding common ground, so they soon accepted me and started laughing and loosening up. I was grateful to get to know them more; everyone was pretty funny.

I then moved onto some other location. At some point I was hanging out with another guy and we had chemistry but I wasn’t sure about it so I left like I was going to the bathroom but never came back. I think I meant to come back, maybe, but, again, just following my compass.

Now a third man. This time we really hit off on a deep level. We were having a wonderful time talking about everything under the sun and then we started fooling around. It caught me off guard. We were falling deeply in love. I found out he was much older than he looked. He was worried about that but I thought he was beautiful and we were the same age mentally and maturely. He was financially stable, he was reasonable, sweet, funny. He just seemed perfect. He felt like *my guy*.  In the midst of our tender moment I realized that I was already in a sort-of relationship, and that I had kissed someone else entirely earlier and walked out on him. I suppose I disappeared on both men earlier. I became distraught, thoroughly confused. I ran out, my heart torn in a million pieces, unable to identify the difference between true love and obligation.

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